Horror News

The Horror

I've been meaning to put these stories up forever. Oops.

China
In advance of the Olympics, China has decided to ban the noble horror movie.

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has added ghosts, monsters and other things that go bump in the night to its list of banned video and audio content in an intensified crackdown ahead of the Beijing Olympics.

Producers have around three weeks to look through their tapes for "horror" and report it to authorities, the General Administration of Press and Publications said in a statement posted on the government Web site.

Offending content included "wronged spirits and violent ghosts, monsters, demons, and other inhuman portrayals, strange and supernatural storytelling for the sole purpose of seeking terror and horror," the administration said.

The new guidelines aim to "control and cleanse the negative effect these items have on society, and to prevent horror, violent, cruel publications from entering the market through official channels and to protect adolescents' psychological health."

Yes, let's make sure people aren't exposed to the ghastly horror of a zombie movie. That might make them unhappy, and if they're unhappy, they won't be nearly as productive in the slave labor factories churning out crap to enrich their masters/owners in the Communist hierarchy.

Source: Reuters

Michael Bay Must Be Stopped
Michael Bay, the man who thought Hawaii should be cleansed of Asian characters for Pearl Harbor, is baaaaaaack.

Transformers director Michael Bay and his partners at the Platinum Dunes production company have been tasked by New Line Cinema to "relaunch" the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

Wes Craven’s 1984 slasher classic gave the world the iconic Freddy Krueger, who haunted a total of nine films and two TV series. According to Variety, the new outing will represent a "complete overhaul" of the Nightmare concept.

Bay and chums are also gearing up for a May start on resurrecting Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th in a new film to be helmed by Marcus Nispel. This is apparently up for a "complete overhaul" as well, and movie buffs will remember just what a complete overhaul did for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - remade in 2003 by New Line with Nispel calling the shots and Platinum Dunes lurking in the shadows.

And just to reinforce the feeling that Hollywood has completely lost the ability to come up with an original concept, Variety adds that Platinum Dunes is "prepping an exorcism thriller" for Rogue Pictures, plus a remake of Near Dark to be directed by music vid vet Samuel Bayer.

Oh yes, and the company's filling its spare time "developing a Universal remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds", in which Casino Royale director Martin Campbell will presumably ensure that slated star Naomi Watts will get plenty of unwanted avian attention.

Oh dear Eris protect us all.

He's remaking Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, The Birds AND Near Dark. As well as an Exorcist ripoff.

THIS MAN IS THE DEVIL I TELL YOU

THE DEVIL

Source: The Register

A Real Nightmare All Right

Horror Special

Dear God, No
No, no, no please, please...

Transformers director Michael Bay and his partners at the Platinum Dunes production company have been tasked by New Line Cinema to "relaunch" the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

Wes Craven’s 1984 slasher classic gave the world the iconic Freddy Krueger, who haunted a total of nine films and two TV series. According to Variety, the new outing will represent a "complete overhaul" of the Nightmare concept.

Not Michael Bay, please, please no. Not the man who insisted on a non-asian cast for Pearl Harbor, spread malicious lies about Japanese spies in America, and had to have a Japanese protagonist added over his head by the studio after production.... not to mention one of the most talentless hack producers of our time.

Well, at least that's the worst news.. what do you MEAN there's more?

Bay and chums are also gearing up for a May start on resurrecting Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th in a new film to be helmed by Marcus Nispel. This is apparently up for a "complete overhaul" as well, and movie buffs will remember just what a complete overhaul did for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - remade in 2003 by New Line with Nispel calling the shots and Platinum Dunes lurking in the shadows.

ARGH. A bad director AND Bay are remaking Friday the 13th?

I think he's determined to destroy everything that was good in the entire decade of the 80s.

Just please let that be the end of...MOTHERFUCKER

And just to reinforce the feeling that Hollywood has completely lost the ability to come up with an original concept, Variety adds that Platinum Dunes is "prepping an exorcism thriller" for Rogue Pictures, plus a remake of Near Dark to be directed by music vid vet Samuel Bayer.

Oh yes, and the company's filling its spare time "developing a Universal remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds", in which Casino Royale director Martin Campbell will presumably ensure that slated star Naomi Watts will get plenty of unwanted avian attention.

So talentless whore Michael Bay is remaking Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Birds, Near Dark AND an Exorcist ripoff all at the same time.

This man is the devil. We need to bind him in a circle of salt, wrap him in iron and dismember the body before burning it in cleansing fire at dawn.

It is the only way.

Source, and I mean I copied almost the whole damn depressing thing: The Register

Short Lit Challenge #1: Popcorn

Popcorn

Come on, open your eyes, let me see... ahh, that doesn't look so bad, now does it? Hmm? You took a bit of a fall, but everything seems to be in working order.

At this point you're probably wondering why you're tied to the chair. Bound and gagged, actually. Well, frankly, I had held out some small hope you'd understand when you saw how much trouble I've gone to, but then you're pretty oblivious aren't you?

I'll spell it out. You're tied to that chair because I don't love you anymore. I'm leaving you, as a matter of fact.

Don't give me that look. I tried, I really did. I put everything I had into this relationship, heart and soul. Remember how happy we were? Remember the night we met, at the late show of some godawful art film? Those were the fucking days, let me tell you. You always had the most beautiful eyes. We got along right from the start, didn't we? Shared a bag of hot popcorn and a bad, subtitled foreign film. The next week, we did the same. It was wonderful.

We got serious, as they say, and things were still fucking wonderful, weren't they? Hmm? Here, let me get that cut on your eyebrow....

Where was I? Oh. Right. We were seriously dating. Things couldn't be better. We moved in together, discussed where we wanted to be in ten years. Neither of us wanted kids. We both agreed. Wanted to live our own lives, no rugrats, no pitter-patter of little feet. No disagreement there, no sir.

You hear me, WE BOTH AGREED: NO KIDS!

Ah, but then, it was never my decision, was it? Not really. You pretended I had a say, but of course that's a lie. Did you plan it this way from the very beginning? I wonder. Or were you so weak and addled that when the little stick turned pink that you just couldn't do the right thing? The honorable thing?

“We're having a baby!” you said. You told everyone. I told you that's not what we agreed; you sulked. You screamed. You threatened to take me to court, to ruin me. You'd win, too, isn't that the funny thing? You're the liar, the ungrateful slut, but you'd win, oh yes. Because that thing in your gut has more rights than I do.

It wasn't fair. It isn't fair.

So I moved to the couch, and the torture began. The phone calls, night and day, congratulating you, as if you'd moved heaven and earth, healed the sick and the lame, multiplied the loaves and fishes, instead of lying on your back while my no-good spunk got past a layer of latex and ruined my life.

You got flowers and candy and stuffed animals and I got the shaft and it just couldn't get better for you, could it? Weeks went by and you just got fatter and happier. That wasn't enough though; I had to be happy too. God forbid if I wasn't happy. God forbid if I wanted a life, if I didn't want to spend the next two decades doing hard time raising your fucking kid. I wish you'd cheated on me. I wish it was anyone else's spunk that swelled you up like a rotten pumpkin.

Then came the day you asked, no, demanded that I do something 'for the baby'. Make a nursery you said. We have room you said; we have this nice little townhouse. All we'd have to give up was the silly little home theatre. The theatre I made for you as a wedding gift. The place we went to watch movies, eat our own hot buttery popcorn, any time we liked. Just the two of us. JUST THE FUCKING TWO OF US.

Well, of course you got your way. How do you like it? I went with a sky blue theme, pink fluffy clouds. It works for a boy or a girl. The crib's over there where the couch used to be, and the concession stand I made out of kitchen counters is a changing station. You like it? Aww, good. That's good.

You might notice all the wires and little metal boxes on the wall, leading to those hollow metal pipes. See those? That's the best part, my little spark of genius. I wanted to make sure we could keep one happy memory from this room. I wanted to remember the smell of hot popcorn.

It took some work, the rewiring I mean. That many magnetrons sucks a lot of current. The circuit breaker never would have handled it.

Confused? Oh, right. You're not the technical type. Well, dear, the magnetron is what makes a microwave oven work. These walls are lined with thirty of them, and those metal tubes are called waveguides. They focus the microwaves on a given spot. If I've done my work properly, they focus right here, right at this chair. About waist high.

Ahh, now you get it. You know how a microwave works, don't you? It heats from the inside. Excites the water. The reason a popcorn kernel, er, pops, is that it has a big, fluid filled sac, right in the middle.

Remind you of anything?

Now you just sit there and relax. I'm going to pop out, get some salt and butter from the kitchen. Should be back in a couple of minutes, tops.

After all, nothing's worse than burnt popcorn, is it?

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