A Real Nightmare All Right

Horror Special

Dear God, No
No, no, no please, please...

Transformers director Michael Bay and his partners at the Platinum Dunes production company have been tasked by New Line Cinema to "relaunch" the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

Wes Craven’s 1984 slasher classic gave the world the iconic Freddy Krueger, who haunted a total of nine films and two TV series. According to Variety, the new outing will represent a "complete overhaul" of the Nightmare concept.

Not Michael Bay, please, please no. Not the man who insisted on a non-asian cast for Pearl Harbor, spread malicious lies about Japanese spies in America, and had to have a Japanese protagonist added over his head by the studio after production.... not to mention one of the most talentless hack producers of our time.

Well, at least that's the worst news.. what do you MEAN there's more?

Bay and chums are also gearing up for a May start on resurrecting Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th in a new film to be helmed by Marcus Nispel. This is apparently up for a "complete overhaul" as well, and movie buffs will remember just what a complete overhaul did for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - remade in 2003 by New Line with Nispel calling the shots and Platinum Dunes lurking in the shadows.

ARGH. A bad director AND Bay are remaking Friday the 13th?

I think he's determined to destroy everything that was good in the entire decade of the 80s.

Just please let that be the end of...MOTHERFUCKER

And just to reinforce the feeling that Hollywood has completely lost the ability to come up with an original concept, Variety adds that Platinum Dunes is "prepping an exorcism thriller" for Rogue Pictures, plus a remake of Near Dark to be directed by music vid vet Samuel Bayer.

Oh yes, and the company's filling its spare time "developing a Universal remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds", in which Casino Royale director Martin Campbell will presumably ensure that slated star Naomi Watts will get plenty of unwanted avian attention.

So talentless whore Michael Bay is remaking Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Birds, Near Dark AND an Exorcist ripoff all at the same time.

This man is the devil. We need to bind him in a circle of salt, wrap him in iron and dismember the body before burning it in cleansing fire at dawn.

It is the only way.

Source, and I mean I copied almost the whole damn depressing thing: The Register

Bush League Fakery

This one deserves its own special post.

Folks, Bush is officially trying to get us into a last-minute war with Iran. He's not even original enough to come up with a new excuse; he wants to reuse something from LBJ's Greatest Hits Collection:

(CNN) -- The U.S. military reported Monday on a "significant" confrontation involving five Iranian Revolutionary Guard boats that "harassed and provoked" three U.S. naval ships in international waters over the weekend.

U.S. military officials said the incident occurred early Sunday morning in the Strait of Hormuz, a narrow shipping channel leading in and out of the Persian Gulf.

The five Iranian ships made "threatening" moves -- in one case coming within 200 yards of a U.S. ship, the U.S. officials said.

In one radio transmission, the Iranians told the U.S. Navy: "I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes," the U.S. military officials told CNN.

When the U.S. ships heard that radio transmission, they took up their gun positions and officers were "in the process" of giving the order to fire when the Iranians abruptly turned away, the U.S. officials said.

Firing on the ship of a sovereign nation is a cause for war, folks. Err, for them, not so much us. Random and completely undocumented radio transmissions, not so much.

Gulf of Tonkin Part Deux! Onward to Tehran!

God this is going to be a slaughter. We can't even handle Iraq, how they think we can do Iran at the same time is completely beyond me.

Source: CNN.com

Wipe Your Tears Away (News)

Blame Autovaughn for the lyrical title, if you like.

Harry Potter and the Search for More Money
So J.K. Rowling is now hinting that she might write another book in the Potter universe, though it wouldn't necessarily be about him.

I guess those new writing projects of hers aren't going so well, huh?

Source: The Daily Mail

Is There Anyplace Safe From These Annoying Fucktards?
So Ron Paul, endorsed by prominent US Nazis, fundraiser from Stormfront, conspiracy theorist extraordinaire, he has the wacky supporters. True nutjobs.

His only real problem is that, outside of the ones who wear the armbands and pointy white hats, they're all internet people who never leave their homes. So where can he hold a rally?

World of Warcraft!

No, seriously. His supporters are going to have a march. In World of Warcraft.

Source: Raw Story

He Held His Breath Until Poor Kids Turned Blue
So I guess by stamping his feet and whining long enough, El Presidente forced the whimpering, useless tools that make up our Congress to send him the SCHIP bill that doesn't expand the program to cover additional poor kids.

What an ass.

Source: Raw Story

Out Damn Spot
So it seems that an hour after the Bhutto assassination, the government was already trying to wash away the evidence. Literally; they took a high pressure fire hose to the crime scene.

That's hardly suspicious at all.

Also, apparently, despite their claims that 'nobody asked', under Pakistani law autopsies are mandatory for criminal cases. So that turned out to be a rather transparent lie as well. The question is whether her family will exhume her at this point, I suppose.

Source: Raw Story

It Couldn't Be Another Corrupt Republican
So I think I've written about the very suspicious and obviously political prosecution of a guy named Siegelman, former governor of Alabama, who faces all sorts of bizarre legal hurdles and whose case is being absurdly manipulated by an unfriendly judge and a prosecution willing to free convicts so they can flee being witnesses in his appeal, and the like.

Turns out the guy he narrowly 'lost' to in the 2002 election (where apparently the victory was handed to the Republican when a few thousand votes 'suddenly' changed columns and the Republican secretary of state blocked a recount) is, err, corrupt. He's been caught taking illegal political contributions from corporations.

Republicans sure do project their sins on others, don't they?

Source: Raw Story

Protests Planned for Rose Parade
People are all upset that anti-Endless War activists and victims of China's, err, 'vigorous' approach to government are going to protest at the Rose Bowl. In particular, the Chinese Americans are upset by the huge float China has in the parade this year to promote the Olympics they're holding in lovely, smog-filled Beijing.

Oh Noes! Democracy might ruin our pretty flower parade!

Won't somebody think of the children?

Source: Raw Story

It's Long Past Time to Face Reality, Folks
Listen, Americans. Hamas may be a violent organization. But they're also the legitimate, fairly elected head of (half, anyway) the Palestinian state. They got where they are today in terms of popularity not so much by hating Israel (which in Palestinian politics is like going to Sunday church in American Presidential camapaigns), but by humanitarian outreach, things like feeding their starving people even as the Israeli government tries to bleed them out by denying fuel for hospital generators and the like.

So, yeah. It's time we dealt with this reality on the ground and stopped stamping our petulant feet over how not every election turns out the way we want.

Hence the good news to be found in a massive lawsuit against various Muslim charities being overturned. The suit operated on the grounds that, since an American was killed in Palestine, it must have been Hamas, and giving money to Hamas to feed starving people means you're in bed with the murder.

By that logic, when I pay my taxes, since the same body that collects those taxes pays Blackwater, I'm legally liable for the murder of Iraqi civilians.

Somebody sue me already.

(This is opposed to being MORALLY liable, of course)

Source: Raw Story

Fox-Hunting Continues; British Still Look Like Goits
So the fox-hunting people are all upset over not being able to use dogs to tear a fox into little bloody chunks anymore. Boo frickin hoo.

They consider the ban on siccing a pack of ravenous animals on a wild creature to be 'stupid' and 'prejudiced', and will continue to kill the foxes any legal way they can.

Geebus, what did the little fur coats ever do to these idiots?

Source: The Telegraph

By the way, Telegraph, nice job not having ONE opposing viewpoint in that article.

Comcast Sucks
So the same company that can't afford to get enough cable installers to actually make their appointments can afford to ink an agreement to pay their CEO's family five years of his salary if he dies on the job.

They literally put dead men ahead of customer service.

Lovely.

Source: Raw Story

Advertising Hijinks
So it seems McCain had an ad made a while back that attacks Romney for being a flip-flopper. Which he is. Said ad never aired, and the people who made it now work, ironicaly, for Romney. It has been conveniently leaked now, though.

Republicans are just odd.

Source: TPM EElection Central

Getting It Out of the Way

Gee, one big assassination and all the regular news goes on the back burner...

Let's try to go on with our news. It's, err, what she would have wanted.

With a Name Like Huckabee..
See, cause it sounds like Huckster... oh forget it.

Basically, Mike Huckabee is continuing to collect big money speaking fees while he's campaigning for President. This is generally seen as a big no-no, as it's both crass and potentially shady. I mean, are you paying to hear the guy speak, or The Guy Who Might Be President speak? A bit dodgy, which is why nobody does it. Well, except for the Huckster.

Compounding the issue is the fact that he gives most of his speeches on his 'signature issue' of personal weight loss. First of all, that's what our wannabe Preznit thinks is a pressing issue to deal with on the national stage at the moment. Secondly, his recipe of 'pray, exercise, and await miracles' for better health has struck more than a few doctors as suspicious.

In fact, it seems quite likely that his entire weight loss platform is a complete and total sham. There is a body of anecdotal evidence and medical conjecture, along with a suspicious timeline, to suggest that in fact his much vaunted weight loss had nothing to do with prayer, and everything to do with a Gastic Bypass surgery.

He then wrote a bestselling book and made a career out of fleecing people on how to lose weight the good old Baptist way. In other words, a classic snake-oil salesman.

Ahh, Republicans. Find a low, and they'll stoop to it.

Sources: Politico.com
Firedoglake

Ohio Again Innovates In Vote-Fraud
So Ohio has decided to remove their shame-of-the-nation touch screen voting machines. Good on them. Unfortunately, they plan to replace them with a system that takes hand-scored ballots to a central location and then optically scans then. Your ballot can't be read? They *say* it can't be read?

Too bad.

The ACLU is on this one, fortunately. If it was another state I might be less suspicious, but this is Ohio we're talking about here.

Source: Raw Story

What the Holy Fuck is Wrong With You People?
Sweeney Todd is fifth at the box office for the weekend, despite starting on Friday when I'm pretty sure some of the others only started on Christmas.

Seriously. More people by far went to see GODDAMNED NATIONAL TREASURE TWO than Sweeney.

What was it that turned you people off? The quality acting? The gorgeous cinematography? The classic story and musical adaptation?

Are people just that in love with Nicolas Cage's hamfisted acting? Is Family Friendly all that matters anymore?

I Am Legend did three times Sweeney's business, despite being a week old AND having terrible word of mouth. In a sure sign of the Apocalypse, ALVIN AND THE GOAT RAPING CHIPMUNKS did huge gross.

Even a little known political movie, admittedly staring Tom Hanks, did better money.

Sweeney only showed on half as many screens as some of the others and did a very nice per theatre take, but still. This is just wrong.

Source: The Associated Press

Bush Is a Complete Moron, Part 8930 of an Endless Series
I stole that title joke from The Rude Pundit. I'm in a hurry here, so call it an homage.

So anyway, it turns out that our national stem cell 'policy', the non-research research position that will surely slow medical progress and condemn millions to horrible premature deaths, was concocted after a right wing idiot read Bush a passage from a 1932 science fiction novel.

First, our 'President' has to have story time and be read to like a goddamned child. I wonder if he has a sippy box of juice on the floor of the Oval Office before naptime too.

Second, he's basing his real world science policy on decades old sci-fi. Admittedly, in this case it's A Brave New World, but still. Take a gander.

In a new piece in Commentary magazine, Jay Lefkowitz — who advised Bush on stem cells — reveals how the President formulated his 2001 policy. While Bush heard from a variety of groups on both sides of the issue, the turning point appeared to come when Lefkowitz read from Aldous Huxley’s fictional novel, Brave New World, and scared Bush:

A few days later, I brought into the Oval Office my copy of Brave New World, Aldous Huxley’s 1932 anti-utopian novel, and as I read passages aloud imagining a future in which humans would be bred in hatcheries, a chill came over the room.

“We’re tinkering with the boundaries of life here,” Bush said when I finished. “We’re on the edge of a cliff. And if we take a step off the cliff, there’s no going back. Perhaps we should only take one step at a time.”

It’s unclear what passage Lefkowitz read, but Brave New World opens with a scene at the Central London Hatchery and Conditioning Centre, where embryos are turned into full human beings — often dozens of pairs of “identical twins” to ensure “social stability.”

Which of course has nothing to do with what we're actually doing in the field of stem cell research. Clone armies are strictly confined to the Star Wars universe, you right-wing pinheads.

This story made me want to vomit in my mouth.

Source: Think Progress

PS: For a truly delightful interpretation one need only look to the first comment on that page.

Apparently no one has taken a copy of “1984″ into the oval office.

-G

Comment by GSD — December 26, 2007 @ 8:27 pm

Well said.

At Least They Look Nifty
So apparently the NYPD is looking to phase out their fossil fuel scooters in favor of an electric model. Quiet, sneaky and cleaner. All well and good, I suppose, if they work.

It took forever, but I found a site with pictures of the vehicle in question. Shockingly, it doesn't have the usual POS electric vehicle aesthetic. The photos look a tad touched up for dramatic effect though. Either a blur filter or someone has need of a tripod.

Then when I went to find the original story I found a CNN.com article with a picture. Sigh.

It turns out, not shabby at all, though.

Sources: Greener Machine
CNN.com

God Fucking Damn It

Terry Pratchett has announced that he has a form of early-onset Alzheimers. He hopes to complete at least two more books, but...

Goddamn it all to hell.

Vonnegut dies, Pratchett gets this monstrosity, but the smirking chimp goes on with his song and dance. Granted it looks like he's aged 25 years over his so-called Presidency, but still.

And that fucker Cheney? What does it take for that man to die? Six heart attacks by my count now. SIX. What. the. fuck.

On a purely selfish personal note, none of the planned books are in the Witches cycle, indeed the next two are not Discworld at all, so I'll probably never get the end story for Granny Weatherwax that I've been craving for a decade now. It might say something positive about an author, though, that their death, or severe, terminal illness, hits you in such a personal place that it feels like you, yourself, have been robbed of something material, the same feeling you might get from being mugged or burglarized.

I know of course Pratchett owes me nothing, and I hope nothing but the best for him... but days like this you could be forgiven for thinking the universe owes you a break. Owes him a break.  Of course, it never gives breaks.  It's a bleak, cold expanse of almost-nothingness and the only joy or meaning that could possibly exist is what we make for ourselves.

Pratchett made a lot of joy for me.  

This. Fucking. Sucks.

Source: The Register

News of the Day (Monday Commute Edition)

Driving down the highway, try not to read this news.

A motley collection today.

The State Security Apparatus Thanks You for Giving Up Your Sense of Humor

I haven't actually seen Superbad, but I know an element of the plot is that a character gets a fake id with the obviously fraudulent name 'McLovin' in order to purchase booze, what with being underage and all. The DVD release of Superbad includes a replica of this ID as one of those 'bonus' freebies that usually are pretty lame. Lamer than this at least.

The license is an obvious forgery, much as it was in the movie itself. It doesn't look anything like an actual Hawaii license, it has a lenticular picture for the driver's photo (showing the movie character and his erstwhile disguise when you tilt the id to different angles, etc). You would have to be blind to confuse it with ANY Hawaii ID, let alone one that applies to whoever would be using it, who would look like neither one of the two separate photos on the card.

Some people, however, think that if it happens in the movies, it can happen here.

We're very pleased that Wal-Mart has taken prompt, corrective measures to comply with the City's request to protect the integrity of our driver's license. It was foolish of the movie studio to include this prop in the DVD, particularly because it could be used by unscrupulous people to deceive others who are unfamiliar with our driver's license. For example, those who saw 'Superbad' know the underage teenager used his fake Hawaii license to buy liquor," Mayor Hannemann said in a statement.

Wow. Being mayor of Honolulu must require you to live with your head permanently up your ass. Amazing.

Source: The Consumerist (make sure to check out the photos of the fake ID and a real sample ID for educational purposes)

Drink Away the Pain Edition
Some lucky bastard with a lot of money bought a very, very old bottle of Macallan scotch for $54,000 dollars, or about 13 and a half euros at the going rate. (A joke, folks. It has to be at least 25).

That would be just the thing to kill off the lingering sense of Kafka-esque horror upon learning that the Democratic leadership did nothing to stop torture for five long years under the Bush administration. Alas, beyond my price range. I shall settle, perhaps, for videogame violence, my standard, and far cheaper, catharsis.

Department of Nidoking Might Want to Start Eating At Home

So a guy had a hard time getting an order properly made at a Burger King, and it seems they slipped an unwrapped, possibly used, condom into his burger because he was deemed too demanding by the surly wait staff. The manager laughed off his complaint about, you know, getting a condom in his burger.

Uggh. Yeah.

Source: The Rutland Herald

Mike Huckabee is the Craziest Motherfucker Alive
I mean, it's bad enough he pressured a pardon board to release a convicted rapist over the pleas of his victims, who warned him that the man would kill and rape again, because the woman he had raped and been convicted of raping was related to Bill Clinton, distantly, and so the whole trial just HAD to be a conspiracy.

Really, that's bad enough.

But it turns out that he also supported....... camps of some sort.... for people with HIV.

Highlighting the new scrutiny of Mr. Huckabee’s record, The Associated Press revealed yesterday that as a candidate for the United States Senate in 1992, Mr. Huckabee said in a response in a 229-question survey that he believed that AIDS patients should be isolated from the public and that homosexuality was an “aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle” that posed a “dangerous public risk.”

Fears of AIDS spreading widely in the United States were common in the mid-1980s, as doctors struggled to learn about how the virus that causes the disease was transmitted. But by the time Mr. Huckabee answered the A.P. survey, it was well established that the virus could not be spread through casual contact.

Right up there with Margaret Thatcher, he is. Can't someone PLEASE, PLEASE find the inevitable stash of photos he's taken with little boys (he was a conservative minister after all) before the primaries are over? I'm already sick to death of this chump's smarmy voice.

Source: FireDogLake
Source: Jesus' General

There. Is. No. God.

There will be a shojo X-Men manga series.

Just shoot me now. Please.

The first, X-Men, was described as a shōjo title — "X-Men meets Fruits Basket or Ouran High School Host Club" according to one panelist — features Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning as an all-boys' school, with the only female student being Kitty Pryde. The work will be aimed at a manga audience; while the characters will be based on famous X-Men heroes, the manga will not require any prior knowledge of the original X-Men comics. The manga is scripted by Raina Telgemeier and Dave Roman, with art by Indonesia-based artist Anzu.

What's next, a Harlequin novel? Isn't the 30 Days of Night franchise enough punishment inflicted on us by the comic industry?

Source: Anime News Network